This is a very current lesson for me—a pattern I’ve only recently realized I’ve been acting out for years. As a gender studies major, I can easily trace this idea of crossing our own boundaries out of obligation to the conditioning many women and female-identifying people experience. But I know this pattern isn’t limited to any one group. A lot of us learn it.

Somewhere along the way, I internalized the belief that being a “good person” meant doing things I didn’t want to do. Don’t be selfish. Be a team player. Say yes even when you want to say no.

Before I got sober, this was incredibly easy to maintain—because as long as alcohol was involved, I could show up anywhere, anytime, with anyone. I told myself I was being selfless and supportive, when in reality, the only thing I ever required for myself was a drink in my hand.

Now, in sobriety, I see how backwards that was. I wasn’t helping anyone by ignoring my own needs. When I hurt myself, I also hurt the people who cared about me.

These days, I’m learning how to navigate this pattern without the buffer of a cocktail. And honestly, it’s messy. I still catch myself saying yes to things I know I don’t want to do, just to be “helpful” or “easygoing.” And then when the moment actually arrives, I’m frustrated, resentful, and overwhelmed—because I never wanted to be there in the first place. I end up making my discomfort everyone else’s responsibility. Suddenly the people around me are tiptoeing, adjusting, accommodating… all because I said yes when I meant no.

Sound familiar?

What I’m learning is that this pattern comes from not checking in with myself before committing, and not wanting to disappoint people. In simpler terms, it comes from being disembodied—out of touch with what my nervous system can realistically handle. Because here’s the truth: it’s actually more selfish to overcommit and then require everyone to take care of you when you inevitably become overwhelmed.

Having the courage—and the self-respect—to say, “I’m not able to take this on right now,” or to set clear limits around what you can offer, is one of the most loving things you can do. For yourself and for others.